Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dealing w/ others after the loss.

So, I have to wonder. How come it is so hard for me to deal with new people. I have always been one to start talking when meeting new people. I smile, and just say "Hello".

But lately I have had trouble starting new conversations. I love making friends. I have been told that I have a sparkling personality and that I have the ability to "light up the room". 

Today, I had the privilege in meeting one of my husband old school mates. She was such a lovely person. She has a great jewelery shop in Easton, PA.  Bella's Boutique Inspired Accessories

She asked many normal, catching up questions. What have you been up too?, When did you get married?. I knew what was coming. We had our girls with us, and there, the big elephant reared his ugly head. She asked, are you going to have any more children?

Lets be honest, it's a normal question, I have asked it many times. But, it's not the question that bothers me. It's the answer that we have to give. In a nut shell, we say, something like, "No, we have lost twins to a difficult pregnancy, and after Sarah. The doctors said we can not have any more. That it would be to dangerous for Erin." Then they give a response of shock, mostly curiosity, and maybe trying to comfort or understand what happened. 

Now, I can't or simply put don't know how to tell my sons story with making the other person feel like they should run away. Yes, I try, but I can't. I love remembering my sons. It was a experience, one that because  of them I have met so many women from around the world. So by talking about my sons. I think that they will see a strong family. One that has been through alot, and that is trying to make a difference in the world. 

But Sometimes, that is not what is heard. Many people hear me and see a crazy lady, who can't deal with the cards she was handed, and wants to try to keep a hold of  something that is gone, and that she can't deal with letting go.

Luckily this meeting today was not the later. Kristi, was caring, compassionate, and very gentle with what we said. Hopefully she will read this and  be happy. She was great! I guess today, I was the uncomfortable one. I was scared of a bad reaction. I am beginning to assume that I will get a weird look and be alone to deal with this. I am manifesting the same behavior that I am trying to avoid.

Now, I know many moms including myself, that will always wonder, how do I tell my story without upsetting someone. Well, lets think. If you asked a survivor of  Katrina, and said "Why do you still live in the lower ninth ward?". And they replied, "It's my home, yes we lost everything after the storm, we lost x, y, and z. But we will always have to come home to the street where we live, You can't run away from it." I asked this question when I was down in New Orleans. I got that answer. Why should I run from my sons memory. Yes, I will try to soften the blow of it, but it's a part of me.

I know some moms who choose to not say that they even lost any children, due to TTTS. It's hard to deal with. But I am not that woman. Now, if you have felt any part of this topic, and it hit home for you. Maybe you where the one asking the question, maybe you had to answer it. I hope that by talking about these experiences that we can all be understanding.  

That including myself, just remember the past and try to build off of it. Don't prejudge the person and expect a bad reaction. I need to be more positive, don't end with my sons passed away. I need to keep going. finish with, that I am trying to make a difference and help many more families 1 in 4 women experience a pregnancy or infant loss. And it's about time the rest of the population not only learn what it is rather, to see a opportunity to help someone else out.

I am looking forward to going back to Bella's Boutique Inspired Accessories and spending more money, and getting to know Kristi.

1 comment:

  1. Very well written, Erin. It seems like a roll of the dice when people ask about our children. I once gave an older woman the benefit of the doubt and gave an open answer that didn't include our twins. But then she asked another question and it all came spilling out. She looked mortified, but handled it well.
    Thank you for sharing so openly.